There is always a moment in the days when I’m not sure where I am – it’s not that I don’t know where I’m physically standing, sitting, or laying but the question I ask is where I am in life? By the end of summer 2012 I was single, by my own choice after over three years of being with the same person and almost 3 years of living with them in a city far from my parents. Isn’t it a curse how even when we make the choices ourselves there ends up being doubt? Doubt in our own ability to know what we need, desire and want. Doubt in the thought that we are strong enough to be alone and that we can make it. Doubt in the dreams we have and if maybe we just ruined it all? I had plenty of doubt in myself for months – the small lapses of that doubt when I found a dream for myself to hold onto never lasted long before I’d end up letting them slip away. I tried photography and a new job in Vancouver, I tried dating but it wasn’t much use while I was still healing from my own choices. Christmas came and I cried half the time I was away to my mom who was like a rock for me in a way I had never realized she could be – she was my voice telling me that it wasn’t the end – the light showing me it all happens for a reason. The new year came and with it a fork in the road – a choice I had to make. Do I stay here where I am and keep fighting with what I see and what I feel or do I make a change?
It was time for a change.
The middle of February showed up and I moved into my first apartment all alone – I left my current job – turned 24 – started school and began a new job within two weeks. I had done something big and I knew it was something that I needed. My schooling would keep in Vancouver for at least eight more months while I attended class five days a week in downtown Vancouver. I first worked only on the weekends as a beauty advisor at London Drugs but as complications arise that would change to four nights and one day a week – keeping me on my toes to balance it all on my own.
One day after class when the sun was shining and I had no obligations for the night I found myself walking with a classmate to the skytrain and choosing to take it for an entire two stops just to chat some more(this would lead to a much longer bus ride home). Those short train and long bus rides would become a thing of almost everyday soon after as this classmate became my best friend. Somehow I had met this amazing person who understood so much of how I felt when no one else could – she was going through things right then that I had over three years before. It was like this crazy sign from the universe that was telling me to pay attention – (You’re Not Alone Natasha!!) Train rides changed to walks through downtown Vancouver and along the seawall to the station I would usually have gotten off at – she’d get on the train and I’d hop on the bus. This led to sleepovers like we were in high school(except now we might just go and buy a bottle or two of wine to make the laughter just a bit louder ) and road trips to places like Whistler for a day. She made the summer like it had never been before – something I will never forget.
When I decided in August(an entire year since I had broken off my relationship) that I would be making another big move it again was no easy choice. I had actually begun making something of a life I could love in the city as a single me but it just wasn’t meant to be. I had decided to move home – back to my small piece of BC that had been my place of growth for 14 years of my life.
I’ve been back home for four weeks now and has it ever been an adjustment! No internet at home bring silly fears I’m going to fry out my phone from over use(haha!) I miss Amanda(bestest friend a girl could dream for) and much more.
There is much I am learning though – I’ve been given a chance for a fresh start that most couldn’t dream to have. I don’t know where the world might take me next but I do know that no matter what it is I can figure it out. I’m excited to finish my practicum and be done with my schooling completely for now so I may focus on whatever I wish.
So when those moments come in the day that I am not sure where I am – There is simply a belief I must keep that I will figure it out – I have to.
- reignite my passion for photography
- keep volunteering within my community
- dream big
- believe in the impossible
<3 Natasha <3